Day 23 Both kids brought home information about Red Ribbon Week, and one of the handouts listed a statistic that said, "Children whose parents talk to them about drugs at a young age are 50% less likely to use when they are older." And I was all, CRAP! I haven't talked to them about drugs. I need to talk to them about drugs. RIGHT NOW.
KIDS! We need to talk. Get over here. STAT.
And then as they looked up at me and I looked down at them, I couldn't for the life of me figure out what to say because it immediately felt like I had left my body and was watching some after school special featuring atrocious child acting and some washed up actress from the 80s.
"Now kids. I need to tell you something. Do you know what drugs are?"
"No, mom, what are drugs?"
"Well, kids. I was just getting ready to tell you about drugs."
And then I stumbled through some song and dance about the medicines that the doctor gives us are good drugs but some people take medicine when the doctor doesn't tell them to and that's bad drugs.
Clearly, I was nailing it.
Henry kind of tuned out because he's quick to discern when momma's talking crazy again, and Harper just stared at me with her big wide eyes, chin to the floor, mind blown that some people - kids even - would ever ever ever take pills that would make them sick.
And because the whole thing made me feel like a first-class nut job parent I threw out a real zinger, just to really hit it home.
"Yeah, I know, hard to believe, kids. But it's really no different than when you eat candy even though you know it's not a healthy choice but you do it anyway because it tastes good. That's like drugs, kids. People know it's a bad choice but they think it's fun so they do it anyway."
I thought Harper's eyes were going to explode right out of her skull, she just couldn't compute what crazy momma was saying. I could see her little brain waves churning faster as her breath drew deeper, processing this new information, as if my children eating candy is the same as some stoner kid taking hits from the bong.
All in all, it went well.
I'm pretty sure I'm raisin' my kids to be sober for life.
And man I wish I was a smoker. Because after that conversation, I could use a cigarette.