Henry ran off the bus today yelling, "Mommy! Mommy! Guess who my girlfriend is?"
I about passed out.
Upon regaining my composure, I muttered, "Um, what did you say?"
Seeing that I was near-convulsing, Henry slowed down and said, "Wait, how old do I have to be to have a girlfriend?"
I'm pretty sure I gave him a blank stare except I couldn't feel my eyeballs so I'm not totally sure.
My mind could not compute what was happening.
Finally I said, "Let's go inside and sit down."
It seems that the walk inside gave Henry some time to rephrase his initial insanity. "Mommy, I have a new best friend."
I was slowly beginning to breathe again. "Okay, why don't you start at the beginning."
He handed me a drawing. It was a picture of a girl with blonde hair and a boy with light brown hair, standing side-by-side, inside a HEART.
It's safe to say that my blood pressure at this point was near stroke.
"Mommy, Elizabeth gave me this."
Carefully and feeling quite numb, I said, "Oh, okay, that's nice. How did this happen?"
Henry: "Well, I gave her a picture first."
Me: "Oh, okay, what was the picture you gave her?"
Henry: "A picture of a heart with me and with her and our hands were touching."
Me: BLANK STARE. NUMB EYEBALLS.
Me: LAMAZE BREATHING.
Henry: "At the end of the day we could color or read a book and I decided to color."
Me: "Is she on birth control?"
Henry: "What's that?"
Me: "Nevermind, just. just. just. What is happening?"
Henry: "I told Elizabeth she's my girlfriend."
Me: "Wait, you TOLD her that she's your girlfriend or you asked her to be your girlfriend?"
Henry: "Are you suppose to ask?"
Me: "Nevermind. just. just. just. What is happening?"
Henry: "And then I asked her who her boyfriend is and she pointed to me."
I should probably mention I've been passed out unconscious for the last two hours, but I'm okay now, or whatever. Is today Flag Day? What is happening?
My first thought upon coming back to life - is this a dream - "Elizabeth, I will find you."
Determined to find what I'm sure was going to be some floozy, I wasted no time logging onto Henry's teacher's blog.
Me: "Henry, get over here right now and show me who Elizabeth is."
As I scrolled down the page, Henry's finger reached out and he said, "There she is!"
Me: "Are you sure?"
Henry: "Yes, that's her, Mom!"
I'm not sure what I was expecting but it wasn't that. She's, she's, she's perfect. Darling. Wholesome. She really is everything I would ever want for him. Oh, and her mom's the art teacher. Cancel Christmas and somebody get Martha Stewart on the phone! Those Wedding magazine people are going to be all over this.
I know, I know. They're in first grade. But of all the girls in his class, he picked Elizabeth. I think his selection is especially hopeful considering as I type this Harper is eating Cheez-its with her toes.
Something tells me that Elizabeth never eats Cheez-its with her toes.
And that's it. Henry's dating. My six-year-old is dating
. I don't know what else to say. A girlfriend. I don't even know how he knows that word. GIRLFRIEND. He ran off the bus to tell me that he has a girlfriend.
I can only pray he'll always be that excited to tell me about his personal life.
Now where's the tequila?