Clearance underwear and why you'll never see me shopping in public ever again.

If you haven't laughed today, I'm about to change that. And if you have laughed today, please tell me that it was the tear-stricken from-the-gut snort-inducing laughter that left you wondering whether or not you should change your underwear.

It's worth the laundry.

And about that underwear.

Recently I had a return to make to Nordstrom Rack. While I was there, I remembered I needed new underwear so I thought I would pop over and look at their selection. I found a pair, picked them off the overstuffed rack ('merica) and headed to the checkout.

As I was standing in line, very close to the front of the store, I saw out of the corner of my eye a beautiful family walk into the store. I made eye contact with the man, not registering that I recognize him, until my eyes turned to the woman and the baby she was holding. Think Beckhams. Except more smiley.

It was at that moment that all of the memory networks in my brain snapped into action and sent me the message: YOU KNOW THESE PEOPLE.

It was also at this point that my brain reminded me that I just made eye contact with the man, like our eyes MET, which means that his memory networks told his brain that he knows me.

And it was at this point that my neck flushed red hives, my eyes jolted to the floor, and embarrassment shot my blood pressure to audible.

Brace yourselves, friends. I had just made eye contact with my ex-boyfriend, his gorgeous wife, and their model-worthy baby girl. AND I WAS STANDING THERE WITH NOTHING IN MY HANDS EXCEPT A PAIR OF EXTRA LARGE UNDERWEAR.

Sweet Jesus, where is the mercy?

I know what your thinking. "Oh, I'm sure they didn't see the underwear. I'm sure it just blended in with your clothes/purse/skin."

Oh, aren't you kind. You really are. But you are WRONG. Let me add that the underwear in my hand was the only pair in my size because it was on clearance, and it just so happened to be FIRETRUCK RED.


Digest that.

If ever there was a reason for me to never shop in public ever again, I now have one. Because seeing your ex-boyfriend and his picture perfect family while you buy screaming red granny panties is enough shopping humiliation for a lifetime.